Character Classes of the Army

I've been thinking about a new post for a while, and the inspiration for this one came from the various personality types and social classes that I have encountered in the Army.  For those of you that don't know, I joined the army roughly two years ago.  I spent a few weeks in basic training learning how to tie my shoes correctly, count people and other important things before I was shipped to a "school" in California called the Defense Language Institute.  After a 63 week course (prison sentence) there, I learned a few things about the people in the MI corps.  The following is a list of memorable "classes" that I have discovered.  Feel free to come up with your own.  It's fun.

The Wielder Of The Power Boner (Felipe)

The first entry on this list was inspired by one of my friends from my last two duty stations.  In an effort to hide his name, I'll call him Felipe   Also note that there should be a fancy accent over the "e", but that I'm too computer illiterate to pull it off.  Anyways.  The magnificent "Wielder Of The Power Boner" was crowned thanks to their need to seize the reins at any moment.  Especially when it isn't needed.  They are the first person to step up when the need calls, rashly making decisions that often aren't the best.  This is the first entry due to its prevalence in the Army: almost 70% of Non-commissioned Officers fit this bill.  The actual device itself is quite impressive: this magnificent phallic object is thrusted to and fro with gusto in order to give the impression that the Felipe is confident and knows what they're doing.  Our particular Felipe is a pretty accomplished phallic fencer (Copyright Guile Industrial[my line of Sesame Street inspired massagers{steal it and I'll find you}]).  I think Felipe's particular model comes equipped with a little whistle on the end that makes this kind-of high pitched screaming noise as it is whipped into the face of any innocent bystander in the immediate area.  The final trait in this makeup is the ability to get irrationally angry at anyone that would show offence at a good-humored massager thrashing.  Woe to the person that would raise their arm in defense  be it a block or with a well timed parry-counter.

The Guy Who Has No Clue (Melvin)

This person is present in normal society just as well, but in the military they stick out like a drunken viking in a chidlren's choir performance.  An example: we wear spandex underneath our rather skimpy exercise shorts in order to prevent the world from seeing our junk.  When you show up without actual shorts on, just wearing the skin-tight spandex, you look like an idiot.  I'll name this one "Melvin."  Melvin has also showed up with backwards pants, his/her uniform falling apart, and sometimes smelling like cheese left in someone's navel for several days.  While generally unpleasant to stand next to, Melvin is hilarious to behold.  Thanks to his/her bumbling around like a drunken sailor, they tend to attract more attention from the Wielders Of Power Boner that are in charge of you.  While they are getting yelled out for being an idiot, you are safe to laugh at them from afar.  Also known as my all-time favorite activity in the army.

Profile Ranger (Lars)

For those of you who don't know what a profile is, when you are injured in the army, in order to be exempt from physical activity that would worsen your injury, you are required to have a piece of paper signed by a doctor illustrating what you can and cannot do.  While a moderately effective system, it is not without abuse, giving rise to the Profile Ranger: Lars.  Lars goes to sick call for anything from a tummy ache to an ingrown toenail.  In a business that involves a few too many bullets aimed towards us, one might begin to question the reliability of someone that goes on profile for a wrist injury to get out of a run day.  It's always a run day; the kryptonite of chubsters in the army.  Lars will inevitably gain weight and end up on the weight control program.  Lars will also be made fun of for being lazy until they either shape up or get kicked out.  Maybe.  If Lars is also a Wielder Of The Power Boner, E-5 or above (a.k.a. a Non-Commissioned Officer) they can stay in the army as long as they want and just make lower enlisted do the PT for them.  Everyone knows that when someone else works out in front of you, you lose weight.  Duh.  That's why everyone that watches sports TV is so skinny.

The Enigmatic (Idiot) Leader (The King)

I have been through a few commanders in my short time, and had both the good and the bad.  However, regardless of whether or not they know what they are doing, they like to talk.  All.  The.  Time.  Can you remember the last time that you had something awesome to say about everything that was said forever?  Me neither.  Even so, if you continue to force yourself to talk on a subject, you will inevitably say something dumb.  In a normal social situation, your peers will fix that right up by calling you a dumb ass, you'll take it and move on.  When 400 people are surrounding The King, The King out ranking them all, and they are forced to stay there and wait until he's done giving them life changing advice, his slip-ups in speech are just glossed over.  In my opinion, if you are never told of your mistakes, then you'll continue to make them, eg. sounding like an ass almost every time you talk.  The King has little or no awareness of the fact that he sounds like a complete ass, and will continue on uninterrupted.  With all the smart phone tech out today, we need some kind of brain implant that can grammar check people before they murder the English language in front of a crowd.  Maybe a side app that creates some sense of social awareness as to when you're sounding dumb and simultaneously insulting the crap out of your audience.  Yeah.  That.

More to come as soon as I think of some