Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Character Classes of the Army
I've been thinking about a new post for a while, and the inspiration for this one came from the various personality types and social classes that I have encountered in the Army. For those of you that don't know, I joined the army roughly two years ago. I spent a few weeks in basic training learning how to tie my shoes correctly, count people and other important things before I was shipped to a "school" in California called the Defense Language Institute. After a 63 week course (prison sentence) there, I learned a few things about the people in the MI corps. The following is a list of memorable "classes" that I have discovered. Feel free to come up with your own. It's fun.
The Wielder Of The Power Boner (Felipe)
The first entry on this list was inspired by one of my friends from my last two duty stations. In an effort to hide his name, I'll call him Felipe Also note that there should be a fancy accent over the "e", but that I'm too computer illiterate to pull it off. Anyways. The magnificent "Wielder Of The Power Boner" was crowned thanks to their need to seize the reins at any moment. Especially when it isn't needed. They are the first person to step up when the need calls, rashly making decisions that often aren't the best. This is the first entry due to its prevalence in the Army: almost 70% of Non-commissioned Officers fit this bill. The actual device itself is quite impressive: this magnificent phallic object is thrusted to and fro with gusto in order to give the impression that the Felipe is confident and knows what they're doing. Our particular Felipe is a pretty accomplished phallic fencer (Copyright Guile Industrial[my line of Sesame Street inspired massagers{steal it and I'll find you}]). I think Felipe's particular model comes equipped with a little whistle on the end that makes this kind-of high pitched screaming noise as it is whipped into the face of any innocent bystander in the immediate area. The final trait in this makeup is the ability to get irrationally angry at anyone that would show offence at a good-humored massager thrashing. Woe to the person that would raise their arm in defense be it a block or with a well timed parry-counter.
The Guy Who Has No Clue (Melvin)
This person is present in normal society just as well, but in the military they stick out like a drunken viking in a chidlren's choir performance. An example: we wear spandex underneath our rather skimpy exercise shorts in order to prevent the world from seeing our junk. When you show up without actual shorts on, just wearing the skin-tight spandex, you look like an idiot. I'll name this one "Melvin." Melvin has also showed up with backwards pants, his/her uniform falling apart, and sometimes smelling like cheese left in someone's navel for several days. While generally unpleasant to stand next to, Melvin is hilarious to behold. Thanks to his/her bumbling around like a drunken sailor, they tend to attract more attention from the Wielders Of Power Boner that are in charge of you. While they are getting yelled out for being an idiot, you are safe to laugh at them from afar. Also known as my all-time favorite activity in the army.
Profile Ranger (Lars)
For those of you who don't know what a profile is, when you are injured in the army, in order to be exempt from physical activity that would worsen your injury, you are required to have a piece of paper signed by a doctor illustrating what you can and cannot do. While a moderately effective system, it is not without abuse, giving rise to the Profile Ranger: Lars. Lars goes to sick call for anything from a tummy ache to an ingrown toenail. In a business that involves a few too many bullets aimed towards us, one might begin to question the reliability of someone that goes on profile for a wrist injury to get out of a run day. It's always a run day; the kryptonite of chubsters in the army. Lars will inevitably gain weight and end up on the weight control program. Lars will also be made fun of for being lazy until they either shape up or get kicked out. Maybe. If Lars is also a Wielder Of The Power Boner, E-5 or above (a.k.a. a Non-Commissioned Officer) they can stay in the army as long as they want and just make lower enlisted do the PT for them. Everyone knows that when someone else works out in front of you, you lose weight. Duh. That's why everyone that watches sports TV is so skinny.
The Enigmatic (Idiot) Leader (The King)
I have been through a few commanders in my short time, and had both the good and the bad. However, regardless of whether or not they know what they are doing, they like to talk. All. The. Time. Can you remember the last time that you had something awesome to say about everything that was said forever? Me neither. Even so, if you continue to force yourself to talk on a subject, you will inevitably say something dumb. In a normal social situation, your peers will fix that right up by calling you a dumb ass, you'll take it and move on. When 400 people are surrounding The King, The King out ranking them all, and they are forced to stay there and wait until he's done giving them life changing advice, his slip-ups in speech are just glossed over. In my opinion, if you are never told of your mistakes, then you'll continue to make them, eg. sounding like an ass almost every time you talk. The King has little or no awareness of the fact that he sounds like a complete ass, and will continue on uninterrupted. With all the smart phone tech out today, we need some kind of brain implant that can grammar check people before they murder the English language in front of a crowd. Maybe a side app that creates some sense of social awareness as to when you're sounding dumb and simultaneously insulting the crap out of your audience. Yeah. That.
More to come as soon as I think of some
Thursday, November 1, 2012
How to raise me better
Okay, so first and foremost I gotta say that I had a pretty damned good upbringing. Money was tight, but we had a good solid home, food and presents on Christmas. I've only wound up in the closet with electrodes attached to my nipples six or eight times. I'd like to say that my dad did a great job instilling the cheat codes of life into me, but I realized today that he made one mistake that I feel has plagued not only myself but the children of my generation: he told me I was smart.
In the wishy-washy, politically correct society that we live in, raising kids has become more of a "how can I get them to like me" kinda thing than a "how can I make them fear my leather pants-holder" thing. As such, today's parents have taken to putting up with things that parents of the mid-20th century would never have DREAMED. If my dad had told his dad to eff off, he'd have had a mouth full of fist-meat before he finished the sentence. I got my good share of "whuppins" as well, but for the most part my parents were pretty level headed. However, the one bad thing my parents ever told me was "You're such a smart kid, you could do better if you worked harder."
Looking back on my mediocre performance in life, I'd have to say that I was an arrogant little prick. In elementary school I made straight A's without feeling like I had to try. Of course this was coupled with frequent overdoses on rubber cement fumes, so my memory is kinda hazy, but I distinctly remember excelling just by kinda existing. Like a wall or...chair or something. Got put in gifted classes in first grade, and stayed in them til the end of high school. Mr. Hyde came out when I was in middle school, and holy CRAP did things change. For some reason, I picked up this attitude that, since I was smarty pants and smarty pantses don't have to study or really try very hard to pass tests, I'm just gonna give my life to video games because DAMMIT THAT WOMAN IN THAT RIDICULOUS PINK DRESS NEEDS TO BE SAVED REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO MOW MY WAY THROUGH AN ARMY OF POLITE LOOKING TURTLES TO DO SO. I began to do what I like to call "coasting", which is where you basically slack off until you have to try harder or you're gonna freakin fail your final, so your mom forces you to study real hard and you pass with a B. It's always a B because that's what you deserve you little jerk. This idiotic take on life can be represented in the "slacker" lifestyle, one that has become revered among the culture of the 90's and 2000's for some reason. One of the biggest cesspools of this lifestyle is the "gifted" programs in schools
In the gifted program in, you are plucked from the throes of normal childhood and put in with children with the same intelligence level as you. Statisticallitalyness-wise speaking, 40 percent of those people will try decently hard and excel. the other 60 percent (to include me) will become a human slug known as a "slacker". These are kids that had the same damned thing told to them growing up, and now have to be challenged in order to keep awake in class, but could also not give a bigger crap about school. And now I'll get to the point: being told I was smart caused me to catch the human slug disease.
These kids (myself included) truly believe that they shouldn't have to try because nobody ever gave them a reason to do so. Once you get a kid believing that they're smart, they think that the stars will align and point them to success. You've got Asian kids literally killing themselves from the stress of school and all us American idiots can do is to glorify not giving a crap. This apathetic life is perpetuated by the whole "non-conformist" image, as well as almost everyone who ever wanted to "stick it to the man." Pretty sure that hundreds of movies from the 80's 90's and 2000's feature "awkward guy who, through no special talent other than being an average nerd, somehow topples the popular douchebag and steals his girl. Oh he also succeeds at some random crap that he was doing, but basically he gets laid." Hows that for sticking it to the man, you well-muscled bastard? PUT ME IN A LOCKER WILL YOU?!?!
(on a side note....has anyone actually been put into a locker? it just seems...cliche)
The Man is pretty dumb sometimes, but you know what the freaking man does? Signs your paychecks. Unless of course you're one of the people that run their own business, and in that case I guarantee that you lack a slug-slime trail already. Who the hell are you sticking it to? Do you really think that you're making a difference by not trying in life?
The problem with the slug attitude in school is that it sets your life up for failure. I'm not talking about going to college and all that crap, because as many of my friends are finding out, a degree don't mean poo if there are no jobs. What matters is that you have the drive to get a job done. That's the most important thing you can ever learn from school. Incidentally, that's also what half of going to college is about: finishing something that you put your mind to. So you gotta work shoveling poop for a living. Yeah, that sucks, but you better be the best damned poop shoveler there is, because if you give 100 percent then you'll eventually find something better. So take a lesson from someone that screwed up and is just now trying to fix it: don't be a slug. Slugs are just...spongy and gross. And stuff. Ew.
In the wishy-washy, politically correct society that we live in, raising kids has become more of a "how can I get them to like me" kinda thing than a "how can I make them fear my leather pants-holder" thing. As such, today's parents have taken to putting up with things that parents of the mid-20th century would never have DREAMED. If my dad had told his dad to eff off, he'd have had a mouth full of fist-meat before he finished the sentence. I got my good share of "whuppins" as well, but for the most part my parents were pretty level headed. However, the one bad thing my parents ever told me was "You're such a smart kid, you could do better if you worked harder."
Looking back on my mediocre performance in life, I'd have to say that I was an arrogant little prick. In elementary school I made straight A's without feeling like I had to try. Of course this was coupled with frequent overdoses on rubber cement fumes, so my memory is kinda hazy, but I distinctly remember excelling just by kinda existing. Like a wall or...chair or something. Got put in gifted classes in first grade, and stayed in them til the end of high school. Mr. Hyde came out when I was in middle school, and holy CRAP did things change. For some reason, I picked up this attitude that, since I was smarty pants and smarty pantses don't have to study or really try very hard to pass tests, I'm just gonna give my life to video games because DAMMIT THAT WOMAN IN THAT RIDICULOUS PINK DRESS NEEDS TO BE SAVED REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO MOW MY WAY THROUGH AN ARMY OF POLITE LOOKING TURTLES TO DO SO. I began to do what I like to call "coasting", which is where you basically slack off until you have to try harder or you're gonna freakin fail your final, so your mom forces you to study real hard and you pass with a B. It's always a B because that's what you deserve you little jerk. This idiotic take on life can be represented in the "slacker" lifestyle, one that has become revered among the culture of the 90's and 2000's for some reason. One of the biggest cesspools of this lifestyle is the "gifted" programs in schools
In the gifted program in, you are plucked from the throes of normal childhood and put in with children with the same intelligence level as you. Statisticallitalyness-wise speaking, 40 percent of those people will try decently hard and excel. the other 60 percent (to include me) will become a human slug known as a "slacker". These are kids that had the same damned thing told to them growing up, and now have to be challenged in order to keep awake in class, but could also not give a bigger crap about school. And now I'll get to the point: being told I was smart caused me to catch the human slug disease.
These kids (myself included) truly believe that they shouldn't have to try because nobody ever gave them a reason to do so. Once you get a kid believing that they're smart, they think that the stars will align and point them to success. You've got Asian kids literally killing themselves from the stress of school and all us American idiots can do is to glorify not giving a crap. This apathetic life is perpetuated by the whole "non-conformist" image, as well as almost everyone who ever wanted to "stick it to the man." Pretty sure that hundreds of movies from the 80's 90's and 2000's feature "awkward guy who, through no special talent other than being an average nerd, somehow topples the popular douchebag and steals his girl. Oh he also succeeds at some random crap that he was doing, but basically he gets laid." Hows that for sticking it to the man, you well-muscled bastard? PUT ME IN A LOCKER WILL YOU?!?!
(on a side note....has anyone actually been put into a locker? it just seems...cliche)
The Man is pretty dumb sometimes, but you know what the freaking man does? Signs your paychecks. Unless of course you're one of the people that run their own business, and in that case I guarantee that you lack a slug-slime trail already. Who the hell are you sticking it to? Do you really think that you're making a difference by not trying in life?
The problem with the slug attitude in school is that it sets your life up for failure. I'm not talking about going to college and all that crap, because as many of my friends are finding out, a degree don't mean poo if there are no jobs. What matters is that you have the drive to get a job done. That's the most important thing you can ever learn from school. Incidentally, that's also what half of going to college is about: finishing something that you put your mind to. So you gotta work shoveling poop for a living. Yeah, that sucks, but you better be the best damned poop shoveler there is, because if you give 100 percent then you'll eventually find something better. So take a lesson from someone that screwed up and is just now trying to fix it: don't be a slug. Slugs are just...spongy and gross. And stuff. Ew.
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